cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I supernannyed him into submission
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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