You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He felt like a one man threesome
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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