The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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