those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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