My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
