I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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