R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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