So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
