I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
