I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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