i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
