i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
