I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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