had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
