Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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