He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
