if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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