hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
