Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
