I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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