I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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