opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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