Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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