i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He shit in the fireplace
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