I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
