im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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