I faked an abortion last night.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
