If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
