I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
