His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
