I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
