uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
