You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
