i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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