oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
