My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
