I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
