My liver just broke up with me...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
