Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
