I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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