My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
