Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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