What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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