We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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