I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
