Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
