ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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