oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Randomize
