Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
