The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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